A sword of a different temper...

2003-10-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

she said yes

i am smilling ear to ear

shit this is awkward

2003-10-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

Oh what 2 weeks it has been. Was really busy what with friends and family and affairs of the heart. Mostly its about work...so much work that i wanna puke, but relieve all the same that I actually got work.

A lot has happened in my hiatus, but need to say some things:-

Takziah to the family of Johan Ismail- He was a good man and his absence will make the silence more deafening.

Thanks to Bintangsepi and Yaz for leaving your comments. Good to know that the nonsense i write has at least 2 readers :P

To my Promuda friends , (yes its you) thanks for the support during a difficult period in my life.

To the little red haired girl (just a figure of speech aka Charlie Brown always pines for the Little red haired girl but she doesn't know he exist) - why do you keep appearing in my dreams, stay out please hahahaha

I think the events of the past 2 weeks have validated somewhat what i wrote. A Lt Gen in the US army claims he's fighting the armies of Satan. Our own prime minister is branded an Anti Semite for his strong (it had a touch of racism to it sure) words about a Jewish conspiracy. (The Jews love their children too you know- its the national policies of the state of Israel that I can't stand) .The world is headed for Armageddon and that idiot Bush is in the drivers seat.

Laters y'all

2003-10-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

There are some of us, myself included, who believe that there's a war going on. Most of humanity refuses to acknowledge there is a war..its kept under wrap, being called something else, its business as usual for the whole wide world...except people are dying in this war everyday.

Some of us say that the war started on Sept 11 2001 with the World Trade Center incident. 20 plus armed men seized control of 4 planes and slammed it into the Trade Center, the Pentagon and , but for a mistake, probably could have slammed it into the Capitol too. Shortly thereafter the US invaded Afganistan. One year later Iraq. In between there was the Bali bombings, random attacks, dead civilians, Al-Qaeda scattered to the four winds...where they remain as deadly as ever.

Militant cells are uncovered, plots to assasinate, bomb and rabble rouse are exposed. Arrests are made, security is stepped up in the US. Threat level warnings are given out before major events. The Palestinian question heats up...many die each day- Jews and Arabs alike. All over the world a great shudder, a great movement awakens.

The whole world tries to believe that its business as usual. You go to work each day in this blessed land, you go home at night. While others out there are dying for what they believe in..US troops for their people, others for what THEY believe in. Two sides with their sense of righteousness in a question that cannot be answered.

Some observers question why Bush was so anxious to start a war in Iraq. I think that for Bush and the American people he leads, war started a long time before that in Sept 2001. To him that was a Pearl Harbour of sorts that made him think that his nation is under attack. I sincerely believe that he blames us Muslim as a whole for this. And we will pay for this in the blood of our innocents spilled each day in Palestine, Kashmir, Iraq, Syria soon and Libya eventually.

I think this is World War Three on slowburn. God Save Us all, Muslims and Non -Muslims alike.

2003-09-30T02:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back after a rather bad case of the flu and also shifting house. Been a very hectic weekend. Also spent sometime away from the office ...just needed to think about things..works wonders if you know there's a problem ...and know a solution must be found ...by whatever means necessary.

Thanks to my compadre's for allocating time fer me. Next time, I've got your back..no questions asked....

It is such a morbid thing , letting go. Half the time you wallow in self pity. But strength must come to walk way for to stay would benefit no tomorrows. One day ill look back and laugh.

Hidup ini hanya kepingan
Yang Terasing di Lautan

Anyway , in that spirit a beautiful poem by Tom Vander Ven

Sea Washes Sand Scours Sea
(for my daughter's wedding)
No hay camino. El camino se hace al andar.
—Antonio Machado

Walking the shore that day, each reaches down
for stones from time to time, the other talking,
her eye finding stones like purple berries,
his hand holding a cloud-light shell to her.

Seas they cannot yet see are ancient seas;
trees they will later pass are not yet trees.
Shore that he looks back to turns to haze,
and sand that she imagines turns to shore.

He says, "Sea washes sand scours sea."
"And sand drinks sea drowns sand," says she.
Voices of gulls call through them on the wind;
the dog circles out beyond their voices.

"All that proceeds recedes," he says at last.
"That you and I are here," she says, "is all."
The man watches the woman watches the man.
The woman loves the man loves the woman.

The day does not diminish other days;
they gain a newer language from the day.
Though wave by step their footprints wash away,
The day does not diminish other days.

2003-09-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

In this entry I'm doing a Najah (she did this once)...

WHY MUST THINGS ALWAYS BE SO DIFFICULT ?
(Knocks head repeatedly on wall)

2003-09-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

I've got it. I've been searching so long for it coz I only knew it as Jacqueline Kennedy's favourite poem. It's a poem that i once gave to a friend as she was leaving to London to read law. I forgot the name, i forgot the author. I came across it while reading her obits (Jaqueline Kennedy's not the friends)and some lines just stuck in my mind. Anyways its a parable about life, how its a journey and the end is the grave but a life well lived is something precious and rewarding. Make up your own mind about it.

Ithaca
by Constantine P. Cavafy

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean

Poignant, ain't it?

2003-09-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i went for my weekly Promuda bowling thing. THIS has certainly turned out well. Started out as a lark on a boring Friday night thing but now i feel that i've made genuine friends here. Cool ...life tends to twist and turn unexpectedly...some gems you keep along the way. Now Friday nights tend to be the highlight of my week. Hahaha what a live i live! or don't ...

Anyways played Flop Poppy's Cinta while playing...nice song ...damn catchy.

Peering across the table at the faces at the mamak shop after, i can't help but think that this bunch of people , at the primes of their lifes, succesful in their respective careers will one day run things around here. That's not a bad thing as long as we remain sane and educated and true to what is right. Yet somehow along the way, some will be disillusioned with ideals and drift. Some will become corrupt, some will do unspeakable crimes, some will prey on others.

Its like watching Smallville, where the young Clark Kent and Lex Luthor are best of friends. Or Star Wars where Anakin Skywalker is a novice Padawan. You stay tuned cause there is a real curiosity where it all went wrong- why in the end Superman and Lex Luthor become mortal enemies, why Anakin in the end turns to the dark and becomes Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith.

I know this entry is assinine...but hey its my blog, i can be frivolous if i want to. I just feel sad and melancholic at the eventual lost of innocence that ultimately will affect us all. The older generation made a hash of things...scandals, scams, missapropriation of funds, blah blah blah. We look at them and shake our heads. One day our children will shake their heads at us too.

Lost innocence...the beginning of the rot. Sigh

2003-09-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

DOA

kepada pemeluk teguh

Tuhanku
Dalam termangu
Aku masih menyebut namamu

Biar susah sungguh
mengingat Kau penuh seluruh

cayaMu panas suci
tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi

Tuhanku

aku hilang bentuk
remuk

Tuhanku

aku mengembara di negeri asing

Tuhanku
di pintuMu aku mengetuk
aku tidak bisa berpaling

Chairil Anwar-13 November 1943 -

There is a sense of regret in that poem that tugs at the heartstrings. This was a man who was an artist, a rogue, a loose character who ultimately dies of syphillis. And yet here is also indeed a man who loved his people, his country (the Aku ini binatang jalang poem ...)who was indeed human in his weaknesses and regrets. To those who don't actually understand Bahasa Indonesia/Malay..i'm sorry. To translate this gives it less impact.

Regrets? I've had a few. Hope? Yes i still do. Life? i still wake up and french kiss the mornings. Ultimately Only to God do I hope that in his Infinite Mercy and Compassion, i may come to be an honourable man when it matters most; that this sinner may atone for his sins; that in the life i lead, at the end i will look back with less regrets and more elation.

I guess in Life , as in everything else, the devil is in the details...

2003-09-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

What do you know anyway? What do you really really know? Does it make any sense if it was a certainty?
Our realities are based on our perceptions - so writes sharizal (http://www.sharizal.net). So what we think we know is actually based on what we see , touch or experience. And as he puts it permutates over time -perpetually.

Now in my life, i think i've often made a hash of things...looking back some of my thoughts during a certain period of time seem now downright embarassing. It was right then, it no longer is now.

Remember Anwar Ibrahim- Renaissance Man and The Face of Moderate Islam. I used to think here was a man..he's young, Islamic, spouts literature and flowery verse, what an orator. When he fell so spectacularly, i too symphatized. My ears could not believe the garbage strewn about. I wanted to fight a good fight too, to put whatever was wrong with our homeland -right. I wanted the problems to end immediate- a new Malaysia in the morning.

I think now reality sets in. I still idolize the man. But i know now that most of the times , life is not in black and white- its gray with many shades in between. Put away Reformasi in this country, a more lasting solution can be found over time. There is a story to tell, but there are two tellers, two versions - God know's the Truth. I think there are no absolutes , the only certainty is that both sides had their wrong.

I once believed that this country was badly run. Maybe it is but for no fault of trying. I believe we try our best to make this work , our intentions are noble but our executioners are human. We'll just have to keep on trying i think.

So there, what I believe today, I will disavow tomorrow. Its just the way life goes- you live , you learn, you change. I think that a man who's convictions remain unchanged over time is either blind, stubborn or stupid. I know this now...convince me otherwise tomorrow. :)

2003-09-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

Sitting on my problem now appears to be an appropriate action. Sometimes more harm can be wrought out of misdirected gung ho rather than inching forward and consolidating your gains over painful time. That's my strategy. A dear friend commented on my predicament last night - its a lose , lose situation. hahahaha. dont i know it.
But in the end does perseverence count? Some battles cannot be won. Maybe moving on is the right thing to do. God in your infinite mercy...show me the right path.

Anyway, life seems kinda cool right now ...except a bit sluggish ..Puasa month coming up...hey that's always an event. And I wait for December holidays. So many dates to look out for. So much to do. Why must i let this thing screw up my calender.

In the end as i write this, it occurs to me- this thing hurts me because i choose to let it hurt. I allowed my heart to feel peril. I place importance on her and her ways. Hahaha ...if i dont care it wouldn't harm me right. So there in one fell swoop...a new direction for this situation.

2003-09-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life decisions can be clear cut, and sometimes its not. Imponderables and what if's tend to cloud judgement to no end especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I can make decisions in my job that would seem big but i do it with confidence in my ability to effect a desired outcome. Matters of the heart on the other hand tend to make a coward out of me.

Wrecked with fear and indecision, i contemplate surrendering the initiative. What do i fear anyway?

- deleted references to identifiable details-

Conscience does make cowards of us all.
Although you're telling me the truth
In the end its just no use
I just cant stay away from you...

2003-09-05T00:28:00.000-07:00

Now i have always believed that God in His Infinite Wisdom, has designs on us all, whether we see the patterns of the web or refuse to, due to our lack of faith or plain ignorance, His plans carry forth all before us.

In the scheme of things, as I sit here at this desk, i realize that sometimes we are so caught up in the pursuit of the here and now that we don't see the bigger picture, the bigger canvas, we see a piece of the puzzle but not the whole.

When i gave up on THE girl at 23, that was the most heart wrenching experience,so much so that i felt i could never be feeling that way again. And my life, it seems upon looking back, was changed.

I make this clear, it WAS for the better eventually. Overnight i changed from a typical Malay guy who wanted to be a HR executive after graduating, get married , settle down with a house and kids and just slowly go up the ladder. I became something else. I did my MBA, and a whole new world opened up.

I started a business with some friends and struggled hard, fighting all the way. We didn't have backers, we quit our jobs for a dream, we paid ourselves RM 500.00 per month for a long time. Along the way numerous setbacks but also some outstanding victories. The siege mentality drives you to make one final hurl, one last mile. And we did it. Not all the way yet, but its within reach, God willing.

The point is, in the greater scheme of things, what constitutes a setback and what is a life changing moment, when you gotta pause and reevalute everything and just go in a different direction? Who are we insignificant mortals to question God' designs and rant to heaven of our fate?

Do you believe?

2003-09-04T03:37:00.000-07:00

I have in my past seen fit to judge others too harshly .....and not looked at my own failures. I believe Dear God, but i have been careless in my Remembrance of you. I have wasted , nay squandered, many chances that have come my way. I claim the Faith but sometimes act differently.

I am a man of contradictions. I am a thinking man, too much sometimes that the world don't make sense anymore. Did it ever make sense? I forget now. Was i ever more alive? Yes, i believe so, before life took its course. Remember at 18 how life held out such promise...you could be anything you wanted to be..you made life altering decisions...and thought that it made you whole. I loved once ...with trembling heart and sleepless nights and with an anticipation of tomorrow. I lost ...and the heartache and pain that seemed so physical that i wanted to rip my heart out. I remember those days with longing actually. Love is it still there? Am i still capable of loving someone that way? Women and their ways are less a mystery now. And they being less mysterious tend to be more predictable...a lost innocence that is regrettable.

"Now i know why they say
What a Terrible beauty we've made
Cause we made our love on Wastelands
and Through the Barricades"
Spandau Ballet- Through the Barricades